


Phobias Are a Pain in the Aft

by Camirye_T_Brewin



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-04
Updated: 2016-04-04
Packaged: 2018-05-31 03:56:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6454723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Camirye_T_Brewin/pseuds/Camirye_T_Brewin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faced with the prospect of making a close bond closer, Starscream first has to face his demons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phobias Are a Pain in the Aft

**Author's Note:**

> I based this heavily off of events that have been going on in my own life for the past week as far as everything coming to a head. Starscream's phobias and reasoning are my own, while Skyfire's persistence is based on my friend's. Anyway, this is embarrassing for me since it's my heart on a page, but I wanted to put my thoughts on the matter down, hence the small amount of dialogue. 
> 
> The bold messages are written (like emails), the italicized messages are spoken (like a phone call). 
> 
> This may or may not become part of a series-- we'll see.

He had somewhat of a phobia. Or perhaps he had two. Alright, fine—two. Starscream hated to admit this, especially to himself. Admitting there was a problem was the first step to admitting he might have weaknesses, and he was _not weak_. In fact, he was stronger than many of the Seekers he had grown alongside of—they couldn’t have moved to another city-state and handled being maliciously teased by other students who were too stupid to realize he had earned his acceptance to the Academy, same as everyone else. He was strong—needing a few kliks at the end of a cycle to withdraw into his quarters and regroup right before recharge was normal and justified for someone in his situation. It was an understandable response. Unfortunately, those experiences may have been a cause of his… little problems. He wasn’t sure if Skyfire had noticed them yet (unlikely, stupid, lovable oaf that he was), but it was only a matter time. 

Philemaphobia. Commitment phobia. 

Pain in the aft those two were. He supposed the fear of commitment made sense enough considering his war-frame (there were more than other Cybertronian types tended to realize, fearing not really the start of a relationship with another mech or femme, but rather, fearing an end due to a multitude of war-related reasons). Still, he loathed the thought of being the same as those brutes. He was nothing like them, and wanted nothing to do with that side of his frame. 

Skyfire understood. Skyfire was so opposite to him in certain ways. Calm, trusting of others and their intentions, giving others the benefit of the doubt and such. However, he could also be so _thrillingly_ similar to him in different ways. His intelligence, his unwillingness to settle into the preconceived notions others had for his frame type, his drive and ambition. Yes, Skyfire understood, but that didn’t mean he needed to know about his phobias because he _was not weak_. 

So, when he had been reclining comfortably under Skyfire’s arm with his helm upon the other’s chassis and felt the gentle taps at his own arm, he ignored them. He wasn’t sure what it was that the shuttle wanted, but he knew that whatever it was, he wasn’t in the mood for it while trying to fall into a light recharge. When the tapping came at random intervals, yet persistently, a feeling of dread as deep as the Pit formed and gripped his spark.

Skyfire wanted a kiss. He had to.

They weren’t even a couple. Sure, the other had approached him about the possibility a few times, but Starscream had brushed it off with not having time or energy. Finally, he had told a half-truth in that he had trust issues concerning other bots. The great white idiot and then shocked and angered him with the answer, “So do I.” He’d managed to distance himself from his friend a while after that, but then Skyfire had felt guilty and apologized, complaining about not wanting to lose the conversations they’d had. This in turn, had caused Starscream to feel guilty, and so he had reluctantly resumed a close interaction with his botanist. 

But wanting a kiss, wanting _intimacy_? That was far from the apprentice war engineer’s comfort zone. In fact, it was more like a war zone for him. He continued to ignore it for a long while, pretending to already have fallen into his long-awaited recharge until it was no longer possible. Just when Starscream had thought it safe to let it be known he was, in fact, conscious, he realized he’d made a grievous error in reading his internal clock—by nearly two entire breems! The tapping resumed, and Starscream was left with no other choice: he turned his face plate toward Skyfire’s and waited for the inevitable contact. 

When they parted and Skyfire had smiled and offlined his optics with a hum, Starscream just settled back down to pretend he was falling back into recharge so he could think on his own. A part of him held some sick pride, as if he won some sort of battle against himself by letting Skyfire kiss him, even while his spark felt as if it were going into overdrive. It wasn’t necessarily the fact that they were phobias that had Starscream concerned about them, it was the root of the issue that kept his processor from shutting down, obsessing over it. He was afraid of romance, afraid of gentle and tender touches, he was afraid of public displays of affection, he was afraid of _falling in love_. 

Love was a subjective, intangible force—something that couldn’t be studied and measured. It was more than that, though. Love was fickle and cruel. It was more than capable of tearing apart friendships, of tearing apart families. It tore his own…. Skyfire was the first person in vorns Starscream felt like he might be able to open up to, and now the crazy, stupid shuttle wanted to ruin that with love and romance? It was a risk Starscream just wasn’t sure he was willing to make. 

It was time for class, however, and, thank the god he didn’t believe in, he wouldn’t see the oaf all day. Apparently, though, Skyfire didn’t plan on leaving him alone with his doubts. 

A message along a private communication link they shared (made back when Starscream had wanted some harmless revenge against a few ignorant and racist students, and Skyfire had surprised him with wanting to join in the pranking debauchery) pinged to make itself known, also causing a few tendrils of fear in the seeker’s spark. **:Starscream,:** it said when he opened it. After a few astro-kliks of arguing with himself, the Vos native decided to answer. 

: **Yes, Skyfire?** :

: **I’ve been thinking.** :

: **A pastime you’d be sure to scandalize our fellows with, I’m certain.** :

 **:Hm. Perhaps, but I’ve never really concerned myself with what my peers thought about me.:** Starscream could almost hear the shuttle chuckling as he read the message and he began to relax. : **Except you.** : Starscream’s spark patterns began to fluctuate quite a bit, and suddenly, he found that his vents were starting to cycle more as well. He managed to fight down these responses, not wanting to make his personal life a spectacle for those around him. He didn’t respond, however. 

: **I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Been thinking about things and such. About us. I don’t really know what we are exactly, all I know is that I like you. And the times we hold servos and we’re close to one another, I feel happy. Point being, I want to be with you. So I want to know (again, I suppose) if you want to court me? Or whatever the sparklings are saying these days. I know saying it through a message isn’t the best idea in the world, but I didn’t want you to feel pressured or… scared off in any way, I guess. Because before I wasn’t sure if you wanted to court me or not (always saying no, but always letting me get nearer to you than any other mech or femme). But after sharing your dorm with you for almost a mega-cycle and that kiss only a servoful of breems ago, I feel like I have more confidence to ask you about it again.** : 

Starscream had no idea how to respond so, once again, he didn’t. He then spent the rest of that cycle wondering how to answer that question. Just because he wasn’t willing to sacrifice his friendship with the mech when it eventually went wrong—it always did—it didn’t mean he hadn’t _thought_ about it. A part of him he’d always tried to ignore wanted to share in a monogamous relationship with another Cybertronian and have that life the rest of his peers seemed to dream of. He was after all, what his sire would call a “hopeless romantic.” But his phobias held him back. How could he expect to share in something so intimate with Skyfire when he was afraid of touching, and kissing, and soft caresses? When he feared intimacy itself? When he couldn’t say those awful, rending words, _I love you_ to anyone aside from his family on occasion? It was pointless to try, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it…?

_‘Oh, Skyfire, why must you do this to me?’_

*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_

: _Sire?_ : Some kliks later, the call was answered along the, somewhat private, familial bond. 

: _Starscream?_ : The other sounded surprised. Starscream supposed he couldn’t blame him—the younger of the two rarely wrote home at all. It wasn’t that he didn’t care enough, he just hated useless calls or messages when he hadn’t anything to say. : _Is something wrong?_ :

Had he sounded like something was wrong? He hoped not. He hoped it was either him taking too long to gather his thoughts, or his rare extensions of communication. Maybe a combination of the two. : _I’m in need of your opinion,_ : he said simply. He liked to get straight to the point, sans talking about this with Skyfire.

: _You’ll have it._ :

: _A mech has approached me romantically, desiring a relationship. I’m unsure whether I want to go through with it._ : There. As long as he stayed as clinical as possible, his feelings about such things shouldn’t get in the way. 

: _Is he a friend of yours?_ :

: _Yes._ :

: _Do you reciprocate his feelings?_ : 

Starscream paused. Did he? He had to think on it a little longer than he wished was necessary. : _…Yes._ :

: _I’m uncertain what it is you want from me, Starscream._ : The reply was blunt, neither kind nor unkind. 

: _Your opinion on how I should proceed._ : With a biting tone, it was hard not to blame his sire and carrier for his misgivings about relationships in general. Especially when the dialogue he’d tended to share with them throughout his lifetime had been like this, had been how he treated strangers and friends alike. As if it were a constant business meeting and everyone was to be formally addressed without any real emotions attached—a constant air of indifference. 

: _…Do you want me to give your opinion in my words, or do you want my honest thoughts on the matter?_ : Starscream was intrigued. The voice on the other end of the call was a bit more hesitant than usual, a bit less distant. For a moment, the younger irrationally felt as though they were in the same room. Which did he want, though?

: _Honesty._ :

: _You want honesty yourself, so that is what you should give him in turn. Tell him your true feelings for him._ : A slight pause, then a quieter, : _even your doubts on the matter._ : He should have known that would be the advice he was given.

: _Thank you, sire._ : Then he added, almost as an afterthought, : _I should be visiting in two joors._ : A noise of acknowledgement, and then the call ended. Primus-damn-it-all, the last thing he wanted was to open up to Skyfire about things as unnecessary as fears and feelings. 

_‘It’s no less than what he deserves,’_ a small voice reminded him in his processor. As his digits lifted to pinch the ridge of his olfactory sensor, his vents cycled rather loudly. This was proving to be a long cycle indeed. 

*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_

All of his classes were over, so the small flyer began to reluctantly make his way across the large campus back to his dorm, walking in an effort to take a little longer. Each footstep felt heavier, each movement felt slower, and yet, too quickly he was staring at the closed entrance to his quarters. What if his choice was the wrong one? What if he ended up pushing the other away with his infantile ideas of relationships? He could admit that they were—to himself, at least. Cycling his vents deeply one last time, Starscream opened the entrance. 

Skyfire was sitting on the floor pouring over some data pads when he came in. “Hey, Star.” Starscream rolled his eyes as he moved past toward the berth, barely able to hide the flush on his faceplates in time. 

“Didn’t I tell you not to call me that?” he growled. Plopping down onto the berth, he pulled his pedes onto it and wrapped his arms around his legs resting his helm on his knees. Not caring if he looked like a child, Starscream stuck out his glossa at Skyfire when the latter chuckled at his antics. 

“Alright, alright, I’ll call you by your full designation.” The shuttle sent him a soft smile and Starscream averted his optics when his spark stuttered at the expression. 

“Whatever,” he muttered, pulling his legs even closer to his chassis. There was a silence that was only broken by the soft humming coming from the shuttle in front of him, and the gentle clacking of shuffling data pads. “We need to talk,” the Seeker said finally. 

“Hm? About what?” The other asked mildly. 

“ _About what,_ ” Starscream mocked Skyfire’s voice poorly, scoffing. “About your earlier message.” 

“What about it?” Skyfire asked with a wink and a grin. Starscream wasn’t nearly as amused, choosing instead to stare at the other. Hard. 

With a laugh, the big lug nut pulled himself from the floor to kneel in front of the berth and Starscream. “I’m sorry. Hey,” he placed digits under Starscream’s mandible and lifted his helm so they locked optics. “I’m sorry.”

Starscream broke both the tangible and intangible contact between them, choosing to glare at the floor. “I have doubts.” A pause and then a static, “fears. About this—us. Romance, I don’t know.” Getting frustrated Starscream started to sense that panicked feeling rise in his chassis. _‘No, please, not right now. Not in front of Skyfire. I hate this, I hate talking about my feelings. I hate—’_

“I understand.” Skyfire said softly, so gently Starscream both feared he didn’t truly understand, and was relieved he that he didn’t have to always know the right words for Skyfire to appreciate what he was trying to say. “But what exactly are you saying about it?” he asked firmly. Starscream looked at him then, knowing the answer he had to give.

“I can’t.” He could tell Skyfire was disappointed, but he had to be honest with his friend. “I can’t do this with you. I get into my processor about it, and as soon as feelings get real for me, I run from them in whatever way I can. Sarcasm and harsh words, finding as much fault in the other bot as I can, infidelity. I can’t promise you that I wouldn’t do that to you, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did. I don’t have enough trust in others and I don’t have enough trust in myself to have a healthy relationship. I’m sorry, Skyfire. Maybe we can try in the future, but I don’t want to do that to you. I _can’t._ ”

“That’s okay,” and Skyfire smiled kindly at him in his typical fashion. “I don’t mind waiting as long as you need—I really like you, Starscream. I’m not saying it lightly. I can wait until you want to do this with me.” Starscream almost felt like crying in relief. Skyfire was the only mech who had ever understood him in the way he’d needed understanding all along. 

He knew everything would be okay. 

*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_*~_

Vorns later, he couldn’t help but regret his decision. If he’d bonded with Skyfire, he could have found him in that storm on that foreign planet. If he’d bonded with Skyfire, he could have given him all the information he’d needed to know about the years after his crash through Starscream’s emotions and through images of the war. But he hadn’t made the bond, and honestly, maybe it was for the best. If Skyfire could so easily dismiss Starscream’s choices and actions as evil or misguided, then he was just another mech who couldn’t be trusted. Plain and simple as that. So he pushed Skyfire out of the sky, and continued to fight him every time he saw the infuriating Autobot insignia on his chassis.

And his spark hardened a little more each time, becoming colder than the ice that once held his former friend.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if there are any mistakes-- I should probably get a beta (hint, hint, cough, cough), haha.


End file.
